Memories

Two busybodies made me think about things I haven't thought about in months. It's hard to go back to a period that seems so long ago and try to recall what it was like. I probably shouldn't. But then again, bits and pieces of it are starting to fall back into place. I'm quite amazed at how far I've come, and what I've gone through. Such adventures, Isabella would say, and how marvelous while it lasted.

I actually came home with the intention of blogging about what happened at length. But now I seem to have lost the motivation to. Just a fleeting reminisence of the past I guess. It's good, though, to remember experiences. Really, there were so many things that happened that it seems funny now in hindsight. So many things to be thankful for too, haha. I think sometimes I need these things to remember the infinite wisdom of God.

Ugh, there's PE tomorrow. Not looking forward to that...

Frustration

Today started off badly. It began last night actually. The amount of work I had to complete just suddenly got to me, and I felt this huge wave of irritation, not so much sianess as compared to irritation, just sweep over me. I was fed up with work, I was fed up with debates, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to plow through another Lit essay, and at the end of it bother writing out stupid econs outlines. And then as I thought about debates it really irritated me that I had to stay back so late again. Really, what's the point when you seem to be putting the cart before the horse?

And I guess this irritation just funnelled through to the morning, and was aggravated by the numerous absentees. Why do I have to turn up day after day when plenty of people around me seem to be able to just come at their own whim and fancy? Is there a point to attending useless lectures and tutorials? Tomorrow will be a case in point. Class attendance will be abysmal, that I can foresee, and yet once again I will be there, sitting through a waste of a day supporting God knows what. I suppose I should be thankful for my excellent health, that I can continuously attend school without fail. But sometimes, like today, seeing so many self-declared holidays really makes me sick, sick of school, sick of work. I wonder really, if there is a point to coming to school. And of course I know the answer is "yes", and I know all the various justifications. I also know that my not going to school just because others don't is nonsense and is a logical fallacy. I also know that there are many other people, especially teachers, who put up with so much bullshit and nonsense from students day after day. I wonder after witnessing the ruckus in class today how they can go on teaching.

And yet, despite all of this head knowledge, heart knowledge just failed me today. I just needed an avenue to vent out my frustration, and yet I find no logical avenue to do so, or even a reason to be angry, because really, I have no justifiable cause to be angry. But I still am.

Oh well, at least training wasn't that bad. Dan Chi and her friend Jimmy came down to visit us today. Had a nice time chatting through the session. And Thursday's session doesn't sound too bad. It's strange, you know. I dreaded the training and yet I left feeling okay, even happy. I hope tomorrow will be better. I need a break.

Ignominy

I wish I could say that we went out in a blaze of glory, but the answer is far less dramatic, and far less cinematically pleasing. After one week, or maybe two weeks of hours and hours spent in school, the result was more of a crash and burn. I expected it of course, and indeed was not surprised when the results came, but the reality of defeat, and defeat at those pathetic hands, always grows once the even is past. Argh! To say more about our worthy opponents here would only increase the shame and ludicrity of that mess in my eyes.

Suffice to say, the J1s need more work, tons of work, and I'm not sure if they are getting it the right way. At the very least, I can say the BCs were an eye-opener for them, and a learning experience. That is, I HOPE it's a learning experience, and not something to forget, as they already seem to be doing.

Last year we were fortunate. I can say that for at least the past three years we have been fortunate in our intake of members. I simply cannot understand why membership is so poor this year. Perhaps the IP programmes have taken up all the experienced debaters. Ahh, but that's the reality of it. When you do well consistently, people flock to your CCA. But our debating society hardly gets publicity, regardless of performance, and there simply isn't that same culture here that you find in the top 4 schools. It's quite a marvel we've managed to hang on to our no. 5 spot for so long, given our circumstances. Well, we must make do.

Isn't it funny that I'm sitting here blogging when I have an unfinished Top Girls essay due today? ha, that's a first. I hope Mr Smith understands.

The eye of the storm

Today is like a momentary rest for me, an anomaly as my schedule moves out of two long days into a temporary peace. Tomorrow it will move back into the rest of the storm, which will continue till Saturday at least. If we make it into the quarters (Owen will here correct me by saying "when we make it into the quarters") it will mean yet another week of work. No, it won't be that bad with impromptu debates. So, hopefully we'll break through and give the J1s maximum exposure. I can't believe the ACs are coming so soon. After that I hope I can finally sit down and rest and give up my cca for my studies. In fact, I hope I don't have to take part at all.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day napping, eating, reading, or watching a movie. In the evening I'll attempt the PC assignment, or at least try to. Thank goodness the deadline's been moved back.

Okay, my bed calls...

There, but for the grace of God, go I

You may have accepted Christ as Saviour, but have you accepted Him as King? That was something that struck me today in church. Denying Christ is far easier than I thought. I don't have to verbally deny knowledge of Him. A simple action is enough. But thanks be to God, that for His grace I still stand, and countless others. I'm looking forward to Sunday!

Yesterday the urgency of the coming competitions dawned upon me. Next Saturday will be the British Council debates, and only last afternoon were the teams formed. We now have two teams entering two competitions within the space of a week, with very green J1s who can hardly deliver a prepared speech, much less an impromptu one. I also realised the imbalance of the J2s leading each team, and so I don't care what Manit says or thinks but he's going over to Owen and Dennis is coming with me. This matter of team dynamics struck me also as I walked home last night. I realised what a finely composed balance our team (the full J2 one) is. Everyone has a part. There's Manit, our perpetual Devil's Advocate; Dennis, the radical and firebrand; Mayeesha, a steadying hand and a counterbalance to Dennis; and of course Owen, our indispensible third speaker, whose point-churning mind scintillates with brilliance. I think the team would be imbalanced without even one member. What a successful combination we all were ;) Now as everyone's breaking up I hope the J1s can forge their own winning combination. We'll need it desperately. So for the whole of next week I'll be shifting into battle gear again. Hai, back to the road, but it's for a worthy cause anyway. And yesterday's training got my blood pumping.

There are so many things happening around me now I just hope I can keep up with them all. Every weekend seems so precious now haha. Oh, and Tedric was released from camp for today. Seeing his shaven crown is just another reminder of time catching up. *shakes head.

Passing Time

I like what Ker Han wrote on his blog. It's true and quite funny:

School is an quick detour through youth. It takes away those precious carefree moments and replaces them with worries of the future and the troubles of the adult world. Yes, school is a transitional period where we age considerably.

So school matures us, though a little too fast.

Just something that caught my eye. But it's true anyway. How else to mature other than through school? Although I suspect one could learn equally much, and perhaps more, through the school of hard knocks. Really hard knocks.

So, I'm in school now trying to pass time till 5 when I have to go for an MUN meeting. Still have to prepare the presentation... But it's fun anyway, and I like the people there. After this I shall go read a book in the library, although I really should be trying to catch up on my s-paper reading...

I'm half-looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward because it will be the last day of the school week, not looking forward because the afternoon will be long and complicated. I have s-paper training, and then debate meeting. It appears that the NUS Challenge Shields wasn't my last competition. Because of the severe lack of credible J1s, the J2s have to beef up the teams going into the British Council debates and the Jurong JC debates later this month. Yes, debating is my love, but lately it's just lost its luster for me. All this admin work and research is getting on my nerves. I wish I could just turn up at a meeting and debate and not care about anything else. But these are the responsibilities of being president...

I can't wait for the weekend. I need a break from school to reflect on the wonder of the Cross once more, to rest in the shadow of Him who gave all so that all might be saved.

To my books!

Heavy duty in the morning

I realised with great clarity last night the fact that I hardly practise what I preach. And it left me with a rather empty feeling, because I seem hypocritical even to myself. And I also noted this intense desire not to ever admit defeat, even as I try to impress upon others the "logic" of my points.

This morning my mother was talking to me and even as I gave my two cents worth I felt as though much of what I said was head knowledge, not something I truly knew by heart. My life seems pretty skewed to me.

Maybe my love has been too critical and harsh. And I think its become mixed up with my desire to be right all the time.


Anyway, Tedric's going off to the army today. Seeing him off later!

ooh I've got quite a few tags to reply to, so I'll do it now.

bobochacha: umm.... This is quite embarrassing but I'm not sure who you are.... Identify yourself too! Are you Shirley? cos Landy's blog has your name on the link to your blog.

Owen: Then let them come. I fear them not, haha

Jeremy: Thank you, Jeremy! And I think you're adorable haha

Dai Wei: We're all unhappy puppies. With Owen and me we're both aggrieved parties haha

Adrienne: Told you so! Can't believe you thought it wasn't your type of show...

Benita: My pleasure!

Kelly: Stop grumbling about it Kelly... How shall I put it, it's natural. Although it's not always a good thing to be this skinny for a guy...

Owen: hmm, no... altho if thats really the case then it would be a delightful irony.

Behold! My new blog template! I think it suits me quite well, and incorporates elements of the vague design I had in mind, like the letter or journal style. So I want to say a big thank you to Benita for finding and doing up the template for me :) I really appreciate it!

So, last night was the Life Concert. I thought it was okay, and as I stood on the second floor and looked down I had a sense of the beauty of seeing a sea of worshippers praising God in unison. Being an usher was also quite interesting.

I'm really quite tired now. I've been walking around in school in a slightly listless state. Just not enough energy I guess. I'll go have a nap soon.

Drums in the deep

I got back my GP results today, and to put it in Mrs Tan's words, I'm not a happy puppy. I'm quite upset about the sharp drop in my grades, firstly on a personal level, secondly on a relative level. I won't talk anymore about it because I'll sound terribly egotistical, which is quite true unfortunately, and because I should be grateful for whatever marks I've gotten. They aren't too bad anyway, all things being considered. In fact, I should really be grateful that my overall grades for BT1 are fairly satisfactory considering the fact that I felt that I hadn't put in enough effort when preparing for it.

A few interesting things occured today that got me thinking about the nature of friendship. It's such a large garbled mess of issues that no post I write here could do it justice. I don't even know what advice to give, apart from listening, because listening is such an essential part of friendship. I wonder how many times I've failed to listen to my friends, or even take time out to spend quality time with them. And at the end of the whole matter, I think the best thing to do is to pray, as always. I think honesty is absolutely vital in a friendship, and two-way communication. It's best probably that things are out in the open now, and where the friendship goes from here depends very much upon willingness to accept each other's differences and cope with them and move on.

In other news, I pray for real patience and grace to handle others around me. Lord, grant me the grace, the patience and the serenity in dealing with people. Help me to be patient even when I get irritated. In fact, help me not to get irritated so easily.

In Spring

What does love do? Love seeks the good of the beloved, and if the beloved is not at a stage where Love can love unhindered, corrections must be made. This necessitates a certain amount of pain to be inflicted upon the beloved, until such time where the beloved becomes truly loveable. Such a process of Love can only be said to be truly altruistic and good for the beloved if the final stage the beloved reaches is not only loveable to Love, but also that it is the only way the beloved could ever achieve happiness.

Ramblings on Eternal Love... But what of our normal day-to-day relations? It struck me again when I was reading during the weekend that love always seeks the good of the beloved. A father may love his toddler son even if he falters in his first few steps, but ultimately, no father will be satisfied till his son develops the stride of a man. So Love forgives much, but is satisfied with little.

I find a great sense of beauty and sweetness in the love and attraction between a young man and a young woman. No, I am not in love, before anybody starts. It's just that recently I've noted with a certain amount of pleasure the simple delight of seeing a young couple in love, or even just a lone youth waiting to declare his love. Adult relationships lack the sweetness and bliss of youth in my eyes. It is ironic then, that I was telling my mother how I dislike the typical youthful freshfaced eagerness of youth that results in much folly, when she commented on how serious I always look. That exact freshfaced eagerness of youth is what, to me, makes youthful relationships sparkle with the sweet romance that smacks of spring in Paris. No wonder I smile with the revelation that my cousin is in love. And how, for the dear boy wishes to propose in a couple of years. Instantly I think it is silly, but of course, for a dash of youthful presumptousness, can I not forgive his brashness? if indeed it is brash?


I wish I knew what to do. No one else can claim the honour of irritating me so.

Woe and alas! And great was the fall thereof.

He ain't heavy?

I am frustrated and angry. I have never heard such ridiculous reasoning in my life. I cannot understand how someone can continually place cca above studies, can continually do badly in his exams, and yet keep slacking off. Each time the results come home he promises to work hard in the future, but of course, the vicious cycle continues, no visible change can be seen. What should I do? Should I even be worried? I'm mad, pissed off by his attitude, which always blames everyone around him for giving him a sucky attitude, without ever questioning WHY anyone would give him that kind of attitude in the first place! There is no action without a cause, and franky, everyone is getting fed up with his seeming nonchalent attitude towards academia. His whole life seems to revolve around his cca.

He asked why I was so angry with him. I told him the reason. He said I had no right to be angry, since it doesn't concern me and he thinks it extremely odd that I should bother myself with his grades. Odd?? Unnatural?? It is the most natural thing in the world! What's unnatural is the fact that he thinks I shouldn't care, and that other people are justified in doing so, but not me. Because it doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern them too! Of course, the greatest irony is that he doesn't seem to give a damn either.

I'm so frustrated that he's so short sighted and self-centred and lazy. I can't help but be angry and irritated. I'm at my wits end. And I really need to let off steam.